Take a drag of fresh air

For the first time in a loooong time I feel like I can breath today; like heavy weight has been lifted off my chest and the sensation of life is flowing back in. It's amazing how oxygen brings forth life. Freedom from mental and emotional pain is like taking in a drag of fresh air. It happens all of a sudden, unexpectedly we feel better.

For the past, I'd say 6 - 7 months, I've been traveling through some of the darkest days of my life. Waking up at 3am crying out to God to end it all; the thought of death appealing to my soul. Sleep evading me and time being my worst enemy. Lethargy killing my zest for life and passion for helping others. If you were to read my journal you'd think I was an over-analyzing, depressed and hopelessly dead soul.

Perhaps I still am - but today I feel better. And even if it's just for today, I will cherish this feeling forever. It's like a drug, happiness and contentedness - substances won't keep this kind of happiness only a clear and stable mind. But who is stable and clear all the time? Who can maintain joy in the midst of pain and sorrow? I'm way to emotionally driven. I'm an addict of thought which leads me down paths of pain. Ashtavakra Samhita said, "it is bondage when the mind desires or grieves at anything, rejects or accepts anything, feels happy or angry at anything." I'm not sure I would go that far, but there may be a point here... Perhaps even the lust for happiness creates instability in the mind inevitably causing us unsettled sadness when happiness evades us. Perhaps the truth lies beyond our emotional state; whether happy or sad. Perhaps the key to being content is knowing that together the something beyond us and we/me are in control.

In many ways I'm the director of my own life. In a recent movie I saw, Holiday, Kate Winslet was challenged with being the "leading lady of her own life." Yea, that's right - I should be the leading lady of my own life. I know this all sounds sooooo obvious, but for some reason, I need to remind myself of these things. Perhaps a life time of pain resulting in some deep insecurities keeps me from accepting this. So I will deal with these cancerous demons my whole life - it's the life, story I have. The other part, the something beyond me, works against those demons and trys to lead back to the path that leads to life. My downfall will be my fault. It feels so good to write this but somehow now I feel like it's all rubbish and really I've been babbling and analyzing just... too.