OK, I know it’s been a while. And to be honest…I’m finding it very difficult to write these days. My personal journal sits on my night stand…collecting dust. I love to write but sometimes it takes a concerted effort to pick up the pen or open a blank word document and WRITE. But I always, ALWAYS feel good about it during and after – and that’s always a good thing!
I have still not connected to this country. Sure, I get along fine and actually am thriving here. In fact, I’m really happy. ☺ I’ve learned that I need 3 elements to be in balance, in order to experience happiness. They are: fulfilling/challenging work environment, strong personal relationships and freedom/independence (financial and personal). If any one of those is out of balance…I can spiral downwards. And there are definite cycles to happiness. One day we are up, high as a kite and the next day we are back to the bottom. So what is it that keeps us steady, balanced, even in the ups and downs of life? For me, its understanding these cycles are part of life…and “it does get better.” As Lindsey says, “if you keep walking, the road will get better.” Plain and simple wisdom.

Why am I saying this? Well, I find it strange that I feel this happy in a country where I feel so alien. In India, I felt differently. But I felt differently because I was so connected – I knew the culture, people, history…I knew their responses, how I should handle situations…I knew how to change my behavior in order to fit. Here in Libya, I just go with the flow. I engage little and understand even less. But I don’t know if I care too. I know it will be to my detriment to continue like this. But, honestly, there is nothing I can do about it, really. I don’t have to take taxis, I don’t have to engage with the help, I don’t have to order in or cook my own food, I don’t have to haggle with the shopkeepers and on top of all that most of my peers, colleagues, etc. are foreign (alien), like me. Trust me, I don’t feel good about saying this. I wish things were different. But I almost feel that I have no choice. The traditional expatriate experience makes it difficult to break out of that bubble…or rather…get out of the space ship. My life in India was so different. And I wonder if that’s part of the reason I felt so connected to India – because I had to survive, develop relationships, meet people where they were – face to face, communicate, learn non-verbal communication and unspoken meanings. I also made pennies – so I learned the value of the rupee – what could 50, 100, 1000 rupees buy me? It’s amazing how currency and the local economy/market reflect culture/preferences and I was right there in it.

And honestly, I loved every bit of it. And I also wonder if, I’m just tired. If I gave all I could in India and now…I just want to relax, not give and soak up all the happiness. Because as “wonderful” that my India experience was…I was not happy. I was lonely, sad, depressed…dark. Every day I struggled with a heavy weight that would not go away. I got through it…learned A LOT about myself and others…and the importance of feeding your soul, of paying attention to your personal needs those key elements that contribute to personal happiness. But it was hard! And in India, I didn’t have the strength to get out of it. I wallowed in darkness up until the day I left. But I loved it. It’s so weird.

Perhaps that reflects my insatiable desire to experience hard/difficult on the verge of life threatening dangerous situations. I want that. I don’t think I’m an adrenalin junkie…I’m actually quite lazy when left alone… But if I’m not challenged or in a situation that could potentially pose a very fatal experience…I’m bored. And yes, by no means am I in that right now. But I want to be there. Perhaps…maybe that’s part of the reason why I loved India. It’s not a dangerous country by any means…but it’s a very “in your face”, “attack on the senses”, spiritually and morally challenging environment.

So what is it about Libya? Libya is not dangerous either. In fact, it’s very comfortable – at least the way things are set up here. If I had to live here like I lived in India, I wonder if I would get along as well. Would I be able to deal with the completely barbaric view of women and their rights as a human being? In my work, I deal with this, slightly. However, I’ve learned there is an art to making your presence known with out offending that male “ego” – be unassuming and completely all knowing. Soft speech backed with an armor of credibility goes a long way. Teddy Roosevelt said it best, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” It’s exhausting. Maybe the hard/difficult on the verge of life threatening dangerous situation I so desire is somewhat fulfilled by the constant challenge of working and proving myself in a new environment – one in which I don’t have much experience – construction program management. I still want more…it’s really not that difficult.