Landslide

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hill
still the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down
-Fleetwood Mac, 'Landslide'

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. It speaks of change and how very difficult it is when we give our lives to something...when we build our lives around someone or something and then have to change. When the 'lanslides' of life force us to change. When we are not strong enough to change on our own. Especially as an adult - it becomes harder and harder to "let that child rise above" and we often question if we can "sail through the changing tides" and wonder if we "can handle the seasons of our lives". I look back on the last 9 years of my life...since my mom died and it feels like one long year, one decade = 4 seasons. And now, I'm heading into the final season of winter. I'm so lost and confused about where to go and what to do? In less than 2 months, I'll be leaving India for good. I feel scared and afraid of changing. I feel heart broken and overly sensitive. My heart is here.........and I don't have the strength to change on my own. How can a land take so much from one person? How can a country consume a soul? I feel like I'm losing someone so close to me. I hate these seasons. I hate letting go...it's like when my parents were getting a divorce, I went to my dad and said, "dad, can't you just buy mommy some flowers and make things better." I was confused...I didn't understand how or why 'love' had to end. My parents were one...they were permanent and yet they were breaking up - and it broke me to pieces. Since then I have never been good with endings...never been good with saying good bye...never been good with falling asleep...separation anxiety - its a killer. Anyway...that's what I'm going through right now - even though I do have two months left...the emotions are just too intense.