India, ramblings, past experiences and...other things

Today I was looking back at my past experiences in India; looking at pictures, stories, blogs, emails from old friends, etc. and I just really miss it.  India has become so much a part of my life; part of ME is India.  Dare I say that I'm part Indian... Indian has changed me, challenged me, made me vulnerable in a way that I've never experienced.  I will miss everything about it...the lonely times (which resulted in some of my best journal writing), the times riding in an auto with the heat and dirt in my face, random conversations and arguments with rickshaw wallas, my maids, the boy that would drop everything to take me around on his cycle rickshaw, the flower walla, my language teacher, walking through JNU, walking to Siri Fort, the sympathetic professional golfers that would give me free lessons, the pool boys, my tennis coach, Herman Jain, the smiles of elderly people walking in my block, the Pawan store and delivery boys...and most of all my friends...  I could go on and on...  But I guess somethings aren't meant to go on and on...  

There is always an end - that's why I try to make the most of every moment.  I strive to make things special, memorable - but what's interesting is that some of the most memorable things are just normal things, normal people, normal events.  I hate endings and usually linger on longer than I should.  You'd think I'd get over it and move on, but the truth is I never do.  A piece of my heart goes missing each time I move or lose someone/thing close to me.   

Jagjit Singh concert experience:

I love the music of Jagjit Singh. A couple of years ago I went to to his concert in Philly, alone...  I purchased a premium ticket and sat 6 rows from the front.  I wore a beautiful Indian top, black skirt and silk shawl and the curiosity of Indian's was in full effect!  All wondering why this young, blonde, American girl was at Jagjit Singh's concert alone!!  Ha!  I loved it.  In a weird way I love doing things that challenge people's idea's and perceptions.  I love doing things so abnormal that people, wonder...  Generally I'm very reserved - but occasionally I have these moments of bravado - and love shocking people! 

If there's any one thing that I've learned in this life, it's that you can't be intimidated about going solo.  Whether its going to a movie alone, concert, or traveling to a foreign country - you can't let the fear of being alone cripple you from experiencing life.   I've been to many wonderful and unique places in this world - many by myself - but I've enjoyed them thoroughly and I will continue to do so.  Ultimately all we really are is the sum of our thoughts, experiences, habits, and relationships.  I believe that we should strive to engage life as it comes to us; whatever it may be: good, bad, abundant with others, or lonely.  I've often imagined myself being alone in this life.  As a child I could never imagine myself married - I could imagine children but never a husband.  I hope that I will always I strive to be content with whatever comes my way.   

India May 2006 - visiting a brothel in Delhi

"This recent trip to India was quite intense; probably one of the more intense trips I've had here. Friday we made our way out of Delhi to Karnal Haryana.  Haryana though being one of the wealthier states in India has one of the highest incidents of female fetocide (aborting female babies).  This fact causes numerous situations – one being the trafficking of brides from eastern India.  We met with the Superintendent of Police and visited the government holding unit for girls rescued from trafficking and prostitution.  Later in the day, after coming back to Delhi, we ended up in the red light district meeting with sex workers (SW) in a brothel.   It was really hard to be there – emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I found my self thinking and asking while in the brothel:  “I know what happens here – yet this is her home, her family, her work place…  How do I behave, accept and respect her, how do I understand, empathize and treat her as equal.”  I realized there, that I do not see them as equal – I have a long way to go in seeing them as equal.  When we walked into the brothel there were women laying on the ground, sitting on the steps, and standing squeezed in the hall way. Their eyes were glassy, dark and empty – some faces were red or pale… They looked tired, sick, vulnerable and sad."