THINKING: pain, anger, hatred...cycle of violence

I watched American History X the other day and now I’ve been thinking about hatred and the cycle of violence. A healthy disgust for the sins of the world is needed but how far can it be taken? How long can we harbor in anger before it turns 'US' into the aggressor, into the offender either against others or ourselves? Are we sowing cycles of hatred that will affect generations to come? American History X dealt with societal issues - however I’ve been thinking of hatred in the context of personal issues.

Anger is normal and quite healthy, especially in personal relationships – it’s a way of respecting yourself and informing the offender; it’s a way of communication, when done properly is very healthy. But what happens when anger turns to hatred? What happens when our anger is towards someone that we can’t confront and we harbor it until it turns to hatred?

I think of this one situation I know of. A boy…was hurt at an early age by his father and the pain continued and deepened. He internalized the pain and anger and inevitably it externalized. The boy become angry and short tempered with everyone, especially those he loved. Years went by and the boy turned into a young man; a young man with a string of broken relationships. The young man decided to give it another try – he decided to try and repair his relationship with his father – yet again…he was hurt and this time even worse because he was already so sensitive; the wound was open and raw. Now he decided that he would never ever, ever get hurt again…. Today he is gone, recluse, invisible and protected. He continues to hurt people by pushing those that want him close away. His protective wall is covered with sharp objects to keep people that try to get close far, far away.

I knew someone really close to this person who broke through his wall…and was only able to by a sacrificial love. This person, (she) was not intimated by his harsh words and healed her own wounds – the wounds she received by reaching out to him – through confidence in her love for him. She continually, with great patience, reached out to him and showed him that she loved him – even though he hurt her, even though she was hurt by the same person that hurt him, even though she would go to sleep every night and wonder if he would ever break down and heal. The father in the story here dealt with his pain internally and in a self destructive manner. After many, many years of self inflicted turmoil and solitude, he’s slowly living again.

Now which person are you?

Most of us are the boy turned young man. Most of us internalize our anger and either become numb or hurt other people. It’s the same in the larger context… Society is made up of all kinds of individuals that have experienced pain turned anger… turned something –there are a bunch of numb individuals that only care about their own security mixed along with those that seek to prove a point by destroying security. There are very few “mothers” in society. I use the word mother because in the story above, the “she” was the young man’s mother. You might say that she was duty bound to do what she did…but I disagree completely…I’ve seen way too many mothers and fathers either due to pride, ego or their own hurt turn away from their children and let them wallow in anger, sadness and poor decisions.

The “mothers” of our society are those that have reached a stage of enlightenment which allows them to embody the quality of long suffering. They choose to walk along side the pain and forgive, sacrifice and love. Edward Norton, American History X, experienced this “enlightenment” in prison. When he left prison he made it his mission to dig up all the “seeds of hatred” he had sown. To his dismay, his younger brother was following in his footsteps and his mother had deeply internalized the pain to the point of self-destruction. He had to do something. He sacrificially loved. Yet, he made it a point to tell the ring leader (you have to watch the movie), that if he didn’t leave his little brother alone, he would kill him. I think that’s part of sacrificial love…he was dealing with his brother demons. This is something that I find hard to do….

Why am I going on and on about this…? Because actually I’m not sure I know how to deal with my pain…I feel like a coward sometimes. I’ve internalized my pain and in place of getting angry with others – I blame myself. I’m more like Edward Nortons mother…I’ll self destruct. Yet more and more, I’m trying to openly deal with pain and hurt. I’m trying to confront it. I see the friends and the world around me responding to seeds of hatred sown in the past while sowing new ones. Based on pain, hurt and anger, they are making decisions that will affect their lives and the lives of generations to come.

I think about these things because I want my life to be different… And I want a different life for those I love. But sometimes the only way we learn is through our own journey…just like Edward Norton…he had to work through his hatred and fortunately it landed him in prison. Unfortunately most of us won’t learn. And we’ll go on making the same decisions, hurting people – especially those that we really truly love and wake up at the end of our lives and wonder where it all went.